sometimes it is so hard to say how i feel. i know how i feel, because well, I'm the one feeling this way. but to put it into words is a totally different story. I don't know who I am, I don't know anything about myself anymore. I've never felt that way, and its scary. It really stresses me out. which also puts fear into my mind about Aubreigh, feeling this way canNOT be good for her either. and thats the last thing i want to do, is stress her out. So i try to "stay positive" which seems to be everyones answer for everything. but that doesn't work for me. of course i try.. i mean lets be real, you think i want to feel this way, or i like to feel this way? ha. um no. i guess a good way to describe how i feel, is constant sadness, and i feel like I'm going crazy within my own body. Ben even said something about my mood swings the other day (which could also be because of me being pregnant) maybe a mixture of the two, who knows. I'm just going to stop here, because i don't know how to put the rest I'm feeling in words.

on to less depressing things:

we found out were having a girl !!! for those of you who don't know, we're naming her Aubreigh Essie Rea. i am so so so excited!! she is already soo spoiled, her closet is like, full already and she isn't supposed to be here for another 4 months! lol so crazy. but we wouldn't have it any other way!



and this is her closet:






we also got a puppy. (bens choice, not mine..) don't get me wrong, i love her to death, and she's great! i just didn't want to get another one right before we have a baby. especially since ben is working all the time and he leaves a lot.. which will leave me to take care of the baby and the puppy. soo 2 babies! lol it will be so worth it though! we named her Jasmine.



wellll! thats pretty much my life these days!

ya learn something' new everyday!

here are 20 random facts that you may or may not now about me!! :)

1. im terrified of the dark. only when I'm alone though, if its dark, and I'm with other people, its okay.
2.Taco Bell, and tacos, are about as mexican i get when it comes to food.. other then that, i don't like it.
( i like quesadillas too)
3. im scared of where my life is taking me, i fear that I'm not doing enough with it, or that I'm going to regret some things.
4. someone close to me in the past was very mean to me, and made me very insecure. i hate it. but i can't help it, and i think about that person all the time because of it.
5. i feel like there is something inside of me trying to bust out. kind of like i don't know who i am.
6. my favorite food is pizza. i could eat is 24/7. yummy!!
7. i treat my dog like i would my kid. its always going to be like that.
8. i can't swallow pills.
9. GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!
10. i love justin bieber, and idc who knows it!!!
11. i miss my grandma sooo much. :(
12. Ben is my rock.
13. having a "real" wedding one day is soo important to me.
14. california is my favorite place in the world.
15. i love to write. literally write, like with a pen and paper.
16. i love movies that make me ball my eyes out. i guess because it makes me feel something.
17. i can't wait to watch my child grow up, but i at the same time, i don't want them to grow up!! lol
18. getting really dressed up is one of my favorite things to do.
19. i have an unhealthy obsession with the color pink.
20. dancing sets me free.

Keeping busy :)

Hello!!!

So I think I have been doing a pretty good job at keeping myself busy. I mean it's only been 3 days, but still. Lol

I'm reading this book.

And I love it. I have like 50 more pages and it's hilarious. I love her. I feel like I need to hurry through all her books so I can get to the next one! Lol reading has become a fun hobby of mine.. I used to hate it, but I think that's because while I was in school I was forced to read so many boring books that I just had no interest in any books at all!

I got to skype with Ben last night right before I went to sleep. It was a VERY nice surprise!!



Although it hasn't hit me that he is gone, it was still really great to see his face and hear his voice at the same time. If only there was such a thing as kiss cam!!! Hahaha

Today, I went and hung out with my friend Wendy and her daughter Melody, we went to a few places on base just to pass the time. It was nice getting out of the house!!


This is melody, isn't she the cutest thing ever? I love her like she was my own!! well, maybe. I don't really know what loving my own child is like... Well because I don't have one. Lol even though I treat this


Little girl like she is a human. I swear I do.. It's really kind of sad. But we saved her life, and now I feel like in a way, she is saving mine. Now that I don't have Ben to come home too.. She always meets me at the door welcoming me home as if she thought I was never coming back, and as if I was interested in chewing some of her bone. Crazy thing. She cuddles with me everytime were in bed. And is in the bathroom with me when I take a shower.. I could go on forever, if you don't get what I'm saying by now... Idk what else to tell you. Anyways, what I'm saying, is she makes it not so lonely, she helps me feel more at home here, and makes me feel not so alone.

Sooo none the less. I miss Ben sooo so much, but I'm doing okay. When it hits me that he isn't coming home for a long time, I'll tell you then how I'm doing. Thanks for all the support from my family and friends and everyone who has been there for me through this crazy time. Love you all!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Our first "see you later"

Well, Ben left yesterday.. It was seriously such a horrible feeling. I was trying soo hard not to cry the whole time... A bunch of friends came out to see him off.. (which was really an awesome thing) and we were all standing at the shuttle that takes him to the airport and talking and hanging out for the last time.. Next thing you know they were doing last call to get on the bus... Ben came up to me gave me the best hug ever and lots of kisses and told me he loves me very much. :)
then, walked away. When he let go of me I lost it. It was like I literally was watching my heart walk away. After that, everything was a blur. Him getting on the bus and the bus leaving I don't even remember.. I just know that it happened sooo quickly. And while I didn't like that, I'm so glad it happened fast... So I walked away and was headed to my car, when I started crying even more...
After this, we went to chilis with the friends who showed up. Chelsea and I didn't eat, I had no appetite what so ever.. Then beth showed us this AMAZING shoe store (which is always the best therapy) the shoe store was pretty dang awesome.. All the shoes were pretty cheap and it was just what I needed to find. So thanks Beth :)
Then I went home, and took a nap. Then I went to Wendy's house and spent the night over there. Night time seems to be the worst. It was fun hanging out with some friends and watching all of our dogs playing together and just chit chatting.

Then tonight, my friend Heather is sleeping over and were ganna have a girls night to get our mind off of everything.. Her husband left today, to go the same
Place as Ben is.. Which is pretty cool.

But yeah, all in all I'm good, it honestly hasn't hit me yet... I don't feel like he is gone, I feel like maybe he is on a tdy or he's at work or something... The e
Tears come and go, and I'm beyond emotional with all of this, but I'll be okay, and Ben wi be okay. And as long as we have eachother, and keep busy, everything will be just fine :) I love him and miss him so much!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Good day :)

So I'm sitting in the basketball court right now watching ben play basketball with a bunch of big black guys. Haha it's so funny. (no, I'm not racist, it's just funny to watch because ben is white, and bot as big as them) anyway, today was a good day! Zoey got groomed and she looks sooo cute!!!

I got coffee today with Wendy, Cory, and Melody. Mel Mel is getting sooo big!! Last time I saw her, she looked like a baby, now she looks like a toddler, I can't believe it! It's been two months since I saw wendy and melody last. They went to California (LUCKY) and spent some time with family. So it was good to see them again! They PCS in September/October, it's goin to be sad to see them go, because you don't meet good friends everywhere you go... But at the same time I'm excited for them to start their new chapter.

Today, I got to do some makeup for a pageant thats going on here, I'm super exited about it.. I love doing makeup. I'm doing more tomorrow for the actual show. (today was the rehearsal or something) and they freaking got sooo much MAC makeup, and if you know anything about MAC makeup, you know that it's expensive!! So next year, you bet your booty I'm doing it! Lol I got pictures of the girls but they are on my camera, not my phone.

Anyway! It's Friday for everyone in the states, I hope everyone has an awesome day, and an even better weekend!!!

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depression/homesickness??

Wow, It sure has been a long time since I have written on my blog.. To be honest, I couldn't even remember my username or password. lol

Originally, the purpose of this blog was supposed to be for keeping everyone back home, and all of my long distance friends/family updated on what is going on in our lives, and in Japan, and to share pictures and everything. I know that is basically what facebook is for, but sometimes it can be kind of hard to go into detail about certain pictures, or explain certain things. But anyway, what I am trying to get at, is I think I'm going to get a little more personal with it. Instead of everything always seeming to be so happy and exciting, I'm going to get a little more real with it.

When I first got to Japan, I was completley in love with it, and obsessed. And now, the only thing I think about, seriously everday all day, is when I get to go home, what I am going to do when I get home, all the places I want to go, all of the people I really hope to see, just things like that.. Ben has been working so much because of the earthquake stuff that was/still is going on here, that I am always by myself.
(I am not exadurating) and yes, I know, "wahhh" right? I'm fully aware that "some people have it worse" I HATE when people say that... Because, duh, I think everyone is fully aware of that.. but just because some other people have it worse, does not mean that the situation you are in, doesn't suck, or that its super easy etc.. So if thats how you feel, you can go ahead and stop reading right now, because I am not
going to promise that everyday I write in here is going to be peachy.

Latley, I have been experiencing an extreme case of home sickness. It is horrible. Although I have been far away from home before, for an extended amount of time, I have never been homesick. It is all I can do to be able to come to terms with it. It feels almost like I am depressed. I have very little energy, I am always in a very pissy mood and I feel like im just a time bomb ticking, waiting for something
to happen so I have a legitament excuse to just blow up on someone. At this point, it doesn't even matter who it is. Its like one day someone is going to say something, (it may not even be anything bad, but if it strikes me the wrong way...) and its going to cause me to unleash.

That is the last thing I want to do. I don't care about watching my attitude, or how I talk to people lately. I think about it, of course, but it doesn't really do any good. Of course me feeling this way, is not Bens fault. Ben has been nothing but supportive, and he is honestly trying to be there for me. but with him working 12+ hours a day, he sleeps like 10+ hours a day, and of course, it pisses me off, but I try not to take it out on him. Yes, I think he could be making more of an effort to spend time with me, when he is not at work. But is that even the problem? I mean sure, it probably is some of it, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't everything.

Feeling this way, makes me question everything about my life.. Are all of the decisions I've made in the past, good ones? of course not.. but should I have made them? I know I can't live my life thinking "what if" and that is not what I'm doing. But you can't blame me for thinking about it. I am in Japan, where I don't want to be. AT ALL. I don't like it here, and I am here for 3 1/2 more years.. and Ben will be gone for about a year and half of it. (between TDY's and deployments) and that just pisses me off. It doesn't make me mad at him, no way..I don't honestly know what it makes me mad at... Maybe the military? maybe all the Japanese people? Myself? I don't know.. and maybe not knowing, is the problem? I'm so confused right now. I feel like no one understands me, I feel like everytime I do talk to someone about it,
they just think I'm doing nothing but bitching about anything and everything everytime we talk. I don't want to be known as "that person". But it is very difficult being here, so far away from everything.. and my life is litteraly on hold while we are here.. I can't go to school, Its almost impossible to find a job on base (all the Japanese people get like first pick on base, which, i think is total BS but thats a different story) and meanwhile, Ben is doing everything. He has a career, he has his schooling completley paid for, no matter where in this world the Air Force
takes us, he has everything planned out for him, a job, and friends will be so much easier to make since he has a job. and the list just goes
on and on.

I grew up paying my own bills, granted I wasn't always the best at keeping a job for a really long time, but there were very few times I didnt have a job. But what teenager isn't like that? anyway, my point is, before I got married, I was going to school full time,working full time, paying my bills, I was so responsible.. Then I got married, had to stop school because the online classes were just not working
out for me what so ever.. and I had to quit my job since I had to move.. So, I was soley relying on Ben. Which, I know is fine, because we're married. We are one now..We are supposed to rely and depend on eachother for things. We're best friends.. But it has been very difficult.I'm not used to it. I loath sitting at home, doing laundry and cleaning all day everyday. Sure, for the first week or two, I thought it was AMAZING, but that didn't last long what so ever...I really am not okay, with not contributing, I feel as if I have no purpose what so ever.. I feel like I am just a lost puppy, following Ben around the world. And well yes, traveling around the world basically, for free, can be a lot of fun, I am just ready for a normal life. When I told Ben that.. his responce was "Well, thats not going to happen for a long time" Then it hit me,he is right.. When I met him, I knew what his career was. He is in the United States Air Force for the long haul. He plans on making a career out of that, and I whole heartidly admire and respect that. Honestly. But that doesn't mean that it is happy, and easy. I don't "have it made" as a military wife, as some people like to think.. I had NO idea, all the little details this life entails..In one year, I met Ben, fell madly and ridiculously in love with him, married him, met his whole family within 2 weeks, moved to Georgia, moved in with him, tried to adapt and build a life there, then he got orders for Japan...We were only in GA for about 6 months or so. Then,actually moved to Japan.. and even through all of that, there are soo many little details about those 6 months, I honestly can't even go into it in this post...

No, I am not leaving Ben, nor will I ever. (unless he cheats on me, becomes abusive [mentally and/or physically] or adopts of trait of lieing)I just have to figure out a life for me, within Bens career. And that is so scary, because being here in Japan, its not easy. what so ever. I can only use the resources that are available on base.. which is basically nothing.. and its very very hard. Yeah, I could wait until we get back to the states, but we are here in Japan, for the next 3 1/2 years, and then after here, how do we know we're going back to the states? We don't.
so, the longer I wait, the more I am putting it on hold.. but, do i really have any other choice? arrgg. This is so confusing, and frusterating.
I think I am going to take a hop to Hawaii on the 22nd to get out of this stress and mess. its only a matter of time until i freak out and push everyone around me really far away from me. then ill be even more alone.. i can go to hawaii for 36 dollars round trip. my friend Courtney who I have litteraly known my whole life is stationed there, and said I could just stay with her, and use her car. so i dont have to pay for anything except flying there.. and a little but of food .. a nice get a way (CHEAP GET A WAY) for 36 bucks? umm, i would be an idiot to not go. not to mention by the time I get back, the dogs should be here :)

Then in the midst of all of this, we have an earthquake. Its been about a month now, and we are still having earthquakes and after shocks. I'm so sick of all the rumors going around on base, and just even talking about it, really. I'm over it. It just feels like something else to stress about. Although, I am SO SO SO thankful we were not heavilly effected. There are tons of people who do not have homes, and who were stuck on the top of their houses, and buildings for days, because of the tsunami. Not to mention all of the lives lost in this horrible tragedy. The night that it happened, My friend Chelsea and I, and our husbands, went to go help set up cots for the victims to sleep on, so they would have a roof over their head, and then we set up a whole tower of apartments, with shower curtains, linens, more cots, and just basically making them livable, so other branches of the military from other bases around the world, can come and help out. It was VERY rewarding, and such an awesome feeling.
While, that was a huge plus to the stress.. I feel like every since we got to Japan, We have been shit on. (for lack of better terms) We have had just horrible luck. If its not with friends, or the housing office on base, or with family.. its happened, I'm sure..

Not to mention, I miss our dogs more then anything in the world. I have had Missy, for the last 15 years of my life. I can't go from being with her everyday, and taking care of her, to nothing at all. I feel like she isn't even alive anymore. leaving her was the hardest thing in this world. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was here, or that I wish i could have one of her "hugs"... I need her.

There are just SO many little details in my life that are adding up, and making me feel this way.. It is not okay, But it is what it is. And its such a horrible feeling, feeling like I have to deal with it alone.. i wake up alone, go to bed alone, eat dinner alone.. and ben isnt even gone yet! I can only imagine how its going to feel, come June, for 6 months. ::Sigh::

Hopefully by then, I have some things a little more figured out.

wow!

It's been a really long time since I have written on this thing!
anyways! Japan is still going really awesome! I'm starting to go a little crazy though, because I cant find a job,and I do not have a hobby. Which, I really really need to do! my goal for the new year, is to have abs by summer time, so i guess the gym can be my hobby. ha ha

In a couple of hours, it will be Ben and I's, one year anniversary! I canNOT believe how fast the time has gone, but I'm so excited about it. I love everyday i am with him, it just continues to get better and better. I am truly so so lucky!

this is the first night we ever met..

we met in Gainseville Fl. because it was the city riiight in the middle of where i was, and where he was. soi t was fare that we both drove an equal distance. we met at the mall, and it was all uphill from there! when we first met, he grabbed me and kissed me. then we just walked around the mall holding hands and acting like we've met a million times before. i loved it, and I've never stopped feeling the way i did that night. we sat in my car after the mall closed, just kissed, A LOT. he he.
& then just snuggled. (yes, in the car, we squished into one seat and layed there together) until like 2am. then i had to be up at 5 to go to work. so i slept like an hour because it took 2 hours to get home. i would do it all over again though! then every weekend after that we we're with each other. every chance we got !!

this is us now...


::sigh:: i love him. lol

ok, im all done being mushy. ill try to post a lot more often. I keep forgetting & if you read this, let me know.. because I feel like its pointless to write, and no one reads it. bc i already know this stuff. no reason for me to write to myself.

kthanksbye :)