depression/homesickness??

Wow, It sure has been a long time since I have written on my blog.. To be honest, I couldn't even remember my username or password. lol

Originally, the purpose of this blog was supposed to be for keeping everyone back home, and all of my long distance friends/family updated on what is going on in our lives, and in Japan, and to share pictures and everything. I know that is basically what facebook is for, but sometimes it can be kind of hard to go into detail about certain pictures, or explain certain things. But anyway, what I am trying to get at, is I think I'm going to get a little more personal with it. Instead of everything always seeming to be so happy and exciting, I'm going to get a little more real with it.

When I first got to Japan, I was completley in love with it, and obsessed. And now, the only thing I think about, seriously everday all day, is when I get to go home, what I am going to do when I get home, all the places I want to go, all of the people I really hope to see, just things like that.. Ben has been working so much because of the earthquake stuff that was/still is going on here, that I am always by myself.
(I am not exadurating) and yes, I know, "wahhh" right? I'm fully aware that "some people have it worse" I HATE when people say that... Because, duh, I think everyone is fully aware of that.. but just because some other people have it worse, does not mean that the situation you are in, doesn't suck, or that its super easy etc.. So if thats how you feel, you can go ahead and stop reading right now, because I am not
going to promise that everyday I write in here is going to be peachy.

Latley, I have been experiencing an extreme case of home sickness. It is horrible. Although I have been far away from home before, for an extended amount of time, I have never been homesick. It is all I can do to be able to come to terms with it. It feels almost like I am depressed. I have very little energy, I am always in a very pissy mood and I feel like im just a time bomb ticking, waiting for something
to happen so I have a legitament excuse to just blow up on someone. At this point, it doesn't even matter who it is. Its like one day someone is going to say something, (it may not even be anything bad, but if it strikes me the wrong way...) and its going to cause me to unleash.

That is the last thing I want to do. I don't care about watching my attitude, or how I talk to people lately. I think about it, of course, but it doesn't really do any good. Of course me feeling this way, is not Bens fault. Ben has been nothing but supportive, and he is honestly trying to be there for me. but with him working 12+ hours a day, he sleeps like 10+ hours a day, and of course, it pisses me off, but I try not to take it out on him. Yes, I think he could be making more of an effort to spend time with me, when he is not at work. But is that even the problem? I mean sure, it probably is some of it, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't everything.

Feeling this way, makes me question everything about my life.. Are all of the decisions I've made in the past, good ones? of course not.. but should I have made them? I know I can't live my life thinking "what if" and that is not what I'm doing. But you can't blame me for thinking about it. I am in Japan, where I don't want to be. AT ALL. I don't like it here, and I am here for 3 1/2 more years.. and Ben will be gone for about a year and half of it. (between TDY's and deployments) and that just pisses me off. It doesn't make me mad at him, no way..I don't honestly know what it makes me mad at... Maybe the military? maybe all the Japanese people? Myself? I don't know.. and maybe not knowing, is the problem? I'm so confused right now. I feel like no one understands me, I feel like everytime I do talk to someone about it,
they just think I'm doing nothing but bitching about anything and everything everytime we talk. I don't want to be known as "that person". But it is very difficult being here, so far away from everything.. and my life is litteraly on hold while we are here.. I can't go to school, Its almost impossible to find a job on base (all the Japanese people get like first pick on base, which, i think is total BS but thats a different story) and meanwhile, Ben is doing everything. He has a career, he has his schooling completley paid for, no matter where in this world the Air Force
takes us, he has everything planned out for him, a job, and friends will be so much easier to make since he has a job. and the list just goes
on and on.

I grew up paying my own bills, granted I wasn't always the best at keeping a job for a really long time, but there were very few times I didnt have a job. But what teenager isn't like that? anyway, my point is, before I got married, I was going to school full time,working full time, paying my bills, I was so responsible.. Then I got married, had to stop school because the online classes were just not working
out for me what so ever.. and I had to quit my job since I had to move.. So, I was soley relying on Ben. Which, I know is fine, because we're married. We are one now..We are supposed to rely and depend on eachother for things. We're best friends.. But it has been very difficult.I'm not used to it. I loath sitting at home, doing laundry and cleaning all day everyday. Sure, for the first week or two, I thought it was AMAZING, but that didn't last long what so ever...I really am not okay, with not contributing, I feel as if I have no purpose what so ever.. I feel like I am just a lost puppy, following Ben around the world. And well yes, traveling around the world basically, for free, can be a lot of fun, I am just ready for a normal life. When I told Ben that.. his responce was "Well, thats not going to happen for a long time" Then it hit me,he is right.. When I met him, I knew what his career was. He is in the United States Air Force for the long haul. He plans on making a career out of that, and I whole heartidly admire and respect that. Honestly. But that doesn't mean that it is happy, and easy. I don't "have it made" as a military wife, as some people like to think.. I had NO idea, all the little details this life entails..In one year, I met Ben, fell madly and ridiculously in love with him, married him, met his whole family within 2 weeks, moved to Georgia, moved in with him, tried to adapt and build a life there, then he got orders for Japan...We were only in GA for about 6 months or so. Then,actually moved to Japan.. and even through all of that, there are soo many little details about those 6 months, I honestly can't even go into it in this post...

No, I am not leaving Ben, nor will I ever. (unless he cheats on me, becomes abusive [mentally and/or physically] or adopts of trait of lieing)I just have to figure out a life for me, within Bens career. And that is so scary, because being here in Japan, its not easy. what so ever. I can only use the resources that are available on base.. which is basically nothing.. and its very very hard. Yeah, I could wait until we get back to the states, but we are here in Japan, for the next 3 1/2 years, and then after here, how do we know we're going back to the states? We don't.
so, the longer I wait, the more I am putting it on hold.. but, do i really have any other choice? arrgg. This is so confusing, and frusterating.
I think I am going to take a hop to Hawaii on the 22nd to get out of this stress and mess. its only a matter of time until i freak out and push everyone around me really far away from me. then ill be even more alone.. i can go to hawaii for 36 dollars round trip. my friend Courtney who I have litteraly known my whole life is stationed there, and said I could just stay with her, and use her car. so i dont have to pay for anything except flying there.. and a little but of food .. a nice get a way (CHEAP GET A WAY) for 36 bucks? umm, i would be an idiot to not go. not to mention by the time I get back, the dogs should be here :)

Then in the midst of all of this, we have an earthquake. Its been about a month now, and we are still having earthquakes and after shocks. I'm so sick of all the rumors going around on base, and just even talking about it, really. I'm over it. It just feels like something else to stress about. Although, I am SO SO SO thankful we were not heavilly effected. There are tons of people who do not have homes, and who were stuck on the top of their houses, and buildings for days, because of the tsunami. Not to mention all of the lives lost in this horrible tragedy. The night that it happened, My friend Chelsea and I, and our husbands, went to go help set up cots for the victims to sleep on, so they would have a roof over their head, and then we set up a whole tower of apartments, with shower curtains, linens, more cots, and just basically making them livable, so other branches of the military from other bases around the world, can come and help out. It was VERY rewarding, and such an awesome feeling.
While, that was a huge plus to the stress.. I feel like every since we got to Japan, We have been shit on. (for lack of better terms) We have had just horrible luck. If its not with friends, or the housing office on base, or with family.. its happened, I'm sure..

Not to mention, I miss our dogs more then anything in the world. I have had Missy, for the last 15 years of my life. I can't go from being with her everyday, and taking care of her, to nothing at all. I feel like she isn't even alive anymore. leaving her was the hardest thing in this world. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was here, or that I wish i could have one of her "hugs"... I need her.

There are just SO many little details in my life that are adding up, and making me feel this way.. It is not okay, But it is what it is. And its such a horrible feeling, feeling like I have to deal with it alone.. i wake up alone, go to bed alone, eat dinner alone.. and ben isnt even gone yet! I can only imagine how its going to feel, come June, for 6 months. ::Sigh::

Hopefully by then, I have some things a little more figured out.